It was on December 18th in the one-thousandth nine hundred ninety-seventh Year of Our Lord that a writer for Seinfeld introduced through the curmudgeon prophet Frank Costanza this fascinating celebration that is observed on the eve of Christmas Eve.
And seeing how the post office, internet search engines and the media pay such great lip service to a holiday invented by a convicted felon (Google Paul Mulshine for Ron Karenga’s background), why not do something to celebrate a creation by someone who never went to prison for assault and kidnapping.
So in the true spirit of Festivus, here is an omnibus of catcalls against people who have angered me over the past year in the realms of sports, politics and entertainment with a smattering of kind words at the bottom
Try to imagine Jerry Stiller’s voice while reading the ritual Airing of Grievances
“John McCain, you are the lousiest candidate the Republican Party has nominated since Dewey didn’t beat Truman” Where do I begin? And how long do I choose to go before I end? Taking the matching funds. Throwing a conniption fit over the financial crisis instead of coming off presidential. Tossing his running mate to the wolves, with some of those beasts being of the Republican variety. While the GOP is a trainwreck, we at least deserved a nominee who was going to try to win. Please quit talking. Go to the back of the Senate and quietly, if that’s possible, try to outlast Dick Lugar for President Pro-Tempore. It’ll be the closest you’ll ever get to the Oval Office.
“Barry Obama, just who the hell do you think you are?” Not even a full term in the US Senate and you think you are prepared to be president because you can make legions of bleeding heart liberals weep with joy? Talk about audacity! When Lloyd Bentsen tried to do the same thing in 1976, Washington reporter Jules Whitcover called his campaign “an exercise in supreme egoism.” From January 21st forward, it’s all on you. I hope your powers of bringing people to instant euphoria works on the likes of Kim Jong-Il and Vlad Putin. No wonder Fidel Castro is starting to feel more spry these days.
“Jennifer Aniston, Shut Up and Strip!” And I thought Phoebe was supposed to be the dumb one. The former Friends star has lamented the lack of privacy she has in her life due to the “Enquiring minds” of bored housewives, legal secretaries that spend too much time on TMZ.com and Perez Hilton. Aniston then proceeds to pose for the cover of GQ magazine wearing nothing but a tie and a smile. Somehow, the woman with the GPS coordinates of the Southwest Airlines hubs on her right shoulder seems normal and sane.
“I Got a Lot of Problems with You Sean Payton!” I think George Costanza could run the Saints better than Napoleon Dynamo. Payton’s sideline tantrums are the stuff of “Iron” Mike Sharpe. His double-reversal plays, the stuff that comes from the mind of a chicken that doesn’t play tic-tac-toe well. His refusal to run the ball, the stuff of that same chicken after it visited Popeyes. Instead of checking into Deuce McAllister’s vitamins, the NFL needs to scour the Quebec gambling establishments to see if Payton has money on Drew Brees breaking Dan Marino’s passing record. Otherwise, the Saints coach’s unbalanced play-calling makes no sense.
“A Sophomoric Vote by Freshmen Legislators” I can’t believe you people fell for it. A bunch of termed out legislators conned you all into voting for a pay raise that goes into effect immediately. They get a fattened retirement; you get the boot. Be on guard for John Alario working the aisles during capital outlay time while holding a burlap sack with the words “Magic Seeds” printed on it.
“31,317 Racists, Idiots, Crooks and Relatives of Bill Jefferson” I don’t care what the demographics are; I don’t care how many registered Democrats live there, that Jefferson was ousted by a margin that was less than 3% is in itself an indictment against the community. Diogenes would have a tough time in the Louisiana’s Second District.
Now gather round yon aluminum Festivus pole and toast the following Festivus miracles:
33,132 voters in the Louisiana’s Second District acted to “end the embarrassment” and “stopped $ Bill”.
Minnesota Federal Judge Paul Magnuson issued an injunction blocking temporarily the NFL suspensions of players that tested positive for StarCaps. McAllister was able to surpass the 6,000 career yards rushing milestone in Detroit and added another touchdown to his franchise record.
In the same game, the Saints ended their pitiful losing streak against 0-7 teams. The New Orleans franchise is now a terrible 1-6 against the league’s bottom-feeders.
Free drinks at a Bobby Jindal function. I’ve attended numerous Jindal rallies and victory parties, yet no matter how prolific his fundraising was during a campaign, all of them had cash bars. A Christmas party I recently attended a Christmas Party the governor hosted that finally ended the “dry streak”.